So the past few days have not been so good for me. Tuesday saw my depression and anxiety hit an all time high, something I have not experienced so far during my recovery. My brain has been focusing too much on events from the past year which of course isn’t helped when you have to talk through them with your therapist on a weekly basis.

My battle with OCD was also tested as I had plans cancelled on me at the last minute. My OCD is based around scheduling and time keeping, and I struggle to cope when plans that have been made are cancelled on the day.

I spent my Tuesday crying, trying to get rid of all the emotions, but I find on days like that all I want to do is curl up in bed and sleep the day away (which I know isn’t healthy). Obviously because I had slept most of the day I did not sleep much that night and woke up Wednesday morning for work very groggy with puffy eyes and generally looking like crap.

When I arrived at work I was informed that I’d have to work on a room on my own which I didn’t feel safe to do in my current mental state. When I mentioned this to my Senior they were happy to let me work in the main room so I was surrounded by my colleagues.

An hour later I was called into my line managers office for a “discussion” about my current state. Now I cannot fault my employers for their actions, after all they were looking out for my well being as well as the patients I would be seeing, however I was sent home to an empty flat which was exactly the place I did not want to be. I was told to speak to my GP regarding my medication to see if I needed an adjustment now I was back at work.

Fast forward to today and at 8am I was on the phone to my GP, I spent 13 minutes on hold and once I had explained why I needed an appointment I was then told there was no appointments available and to try again tomorrow. For someone who doesn’t feel safe being on their own and wanting to talk to a doctor about increasing my medication to be told that really made me feel a hell of a lot worse about my situation. Today has been an upward struggle, battling with the demons that want me to do things to myself that I know I should not be doing. So far I have silenced those demons but for how long for I do not know.

Today is a low day, I pray tomorrow will be better.