Back in February 2018 I started to notice things were changing for me. I started to notice a reduction in my vision, I’ve worn glasses for over 10 years now so I knew something wasn’t right. I had also started to get my horrendous migraines back on a daily basis which was less than ideal.

Honestly I put it all down to stress, I had just had to move out of my flat due to the landlord selling it, I had left my job of 5 years to start a new career in healthcare and my boyfriend had informed me that in June he was going to be leaving me to move abroad for at least a year. But by March things still hadn’t settled down so I went to my GP for some advice. As I had recently had an eye test he suggested that my migraines were down to something else so sent me for an MRI scan.

6 weeks later the scan was completed and nothing of note was discovered. My next option was yet another eye test just to make sure a prescription change wasn’t to blame. Scarily my visual acuity (VA) had dropped from 6/5 to 6/7.5 in less than two months. The optician decided to refer me urgently to the hospital for an assessment based on his findings.

After two months, not two weeks like my optician wanted, I was finally seen by the neuro-ophthalmologist at the hospital. My VA had dropped to 6/18 and after numerous drops, tests, prodding and poking he concluded that he could not find anything wrong and referred me for another test and a promise to see me in six months. A couple of months later I was sitting in the waiting area waiting for my Visual Evoked Potential (VEP).

What awaited me was the most horrendous 3 hours I had experienced. Dilating drops followed by lots of tests involving flashing checkerboards and strobe lighting, all whilst having a wire in the my lower eyelid to measure my responses. Safe to say for the next couple of days I was very ill.

Now also during this time I was going through something that I have not talked about with very many people at all. As I mentioned at the start my boyfriend of 2 years left and moved abroad in the June of 2018. We broke up in the May as he felt like long distance wouldn’t work. I was naturally heartbroken and used food and alcohol as a comfort but in the coming months I noticed I was getting ill a lot more often. At the end of August I was devastated to find out the reason that I was being so ill was that I was actually having a miscarriage. This broke me, I’d always wanted a family and I blamed myself for causing the miscarriage.

With that and all my visual problems I went into a spiral, things started getting on top of me. I stopped going out with friends and spent my nights after work lying in bed eating anything I could get my hands on.

Fast forward to January 2019 and I was back at the hospital for my review with the neuro-ophthalmologist. My VA was now down to 6/24 with still no answers. This led to my saving grace when I was referred to a neurologist. Three months later I was down to VAs of 6/36 and waiting for the neurologist to see me.

Again after numerous tests and scans he asked me about my life and any stresses I may have had. At this point I was still in denial at anything being wrong so I glossed over everything. He then spoke the words that would change my life “I think you have depression coupled with anxiety”. I sat there not knowing what to say, sure I had been sad lately but depressed?? There was no way.

After our discussion I went to see my GP and took the quiz to see if I was in fact depressed. I was shocked to find out that I was in the highest bracket and at risk without intervention. I was advised to take time off work and be out on antidepressants.

I’m now 5 months into treatment, I spent 3 months of that off from work and taking time out for myself. I have gone from having four therapy sessions a week to one 2 hourly a week. The antidepressants are still taking their time to work but I feel slightly better than I did. The massive relief is that my vision is now almost back to normal and that is one huge weight off my mind. I’m far from being ok but in time I hope to get back to at least three quarters of the person I once was.

This blog will just be my general musings, whether it be good days or bad days. I hope using a platform like this will help myself and others become comfortable talking about the stigma that is mental health.